Chicken

Let's start how complicated our lives are. Especially when we know what we want. So sure like 100 percent but you are a chicken and you don't face it. And that's my love story.
Freshman college year, that's where it all began. The starting of the year I was a huge nerd. Literally focused on one thing - graduate with proper goals. Though I am unemployed (hopefully, for now). So my college had this special classes going on for students who studied biology and computer science at the very early stages of our 1st year. I, who had a computer science back drop was moved to the very first class of the department. So my classmates where crazy computer sciencyyy people. Also, that's where I met him.
Our class had this divison where girls sat in one side and boys on the other. Since it was a small classroom, one row will half boys and girls filled (not sitting together). In that one such row is where I sat with my friend. In front there was two boys, lets keep it as D and J. The guy who I had a massive crush on was J. We never spoke to each other. But then one day, out of courtesy, he turned. HE TURNED!
We spoke, talked about each other and had a friendly. Which was uh-mazziing. Then several days passed and we saw that few students were shifted to different classes. Which made me feel so sad. Cause I don't want us to be apart.
Then on that very same day, during a break hour, I went to another to see my friend. I was busy talking to her. Then suddenly from the window, he saw me in this class and freaked out. Like literally freaked out. He was like, "Wait, they shifted you here?" and I was like no. Then he left out a sigh of relief. Just remebering all those times make want to scream (lol). Days passed with just random conversations, and not much. But in somewhere between, he asked for my number, just to get some notes (I am such a loser). We barely talked to each other. Then after two months we got assigned to proper classes.
We both were in the same class.(yayyy!!)
Again, we still maintained that not much convo. He is an extremely extroverted person. Like talk to anyone and everyone. Some girls just literally pour their selves to him for his sweet talks. Then there is me, outcast.
During these days another incident happened, an accidental video to random guy from my class, all because I gave my phone to her (ugh!). Literally, worst time of my life. I just can't ignore him because I don't want bad blood spilled with someone who I might end up interacting with during those 4years, which I never did. That person started texting me, asking about me, how my life was and yada yada. My dumb nerd self was just not aware that dude had been waiting his whole life for this opportunity because he had a huge crush on me (calling him A). Then it was during this time, I don't know exactly when but J and I started talking to each other for sooo long. It just felt so casual. I felt like me and J knew each other for so long, and we both tend to have same mindset (atleast a little). This made A soo freaking jealous and posessive. He literally tried to do someting or the other. The worse part both of their birthday's are on the same day. So, a year passed. That's when I started making more friends. Also, that's when I learnt about rumors about myself along with a truth. A has been spreading rumors about me and J that we both were having full make out session at the elevator in our audiotorium. Along with that I have a habit of chaning guys like changing clothes. Basically, a whole lot of crap. But this one particular thing just made me want to thank him. That one truth. So, one day A and J were playing truth or dare. Where A asked J, "If the world was ending and you have to pick one girl. Who would it be?" for that J replied my name. I just sat their shocked. Literally just processing everything that was going on.
But I never asked him.
Not even during any one of our long session phone calls. Nope I never did. It's because I don't really know what to say. Like how do I start? Hey, I used to have a crazy crush on you in freshman year? No way.
We never told each other. But sometimes, I feel like we both had this habit of being a bit couple like. Like those long hours weekend phone calls. Helping each other out duing exams( ok, omitting this one but whatever), crazy conversations, taking pictures of what reminds of each other, praising each other, making fun of each other and so many. Like so many goofy stuffs. My friends would make fun of me whenver they see me having a long phone call with him. I never hated it. But there were times, I felt I should maintain a moderation because I don't want to fall for someone when I had already fell. I want to put a stop for my feelings from increasing too much. And one such stopping thing happened when I got engaged to a random guy in final year. That's when I stopped calling him back. Talking to him and everything. Because I felt like I was cheating on my future partner.
4 months passed. While my relationship with my future partner didn't feel ready for the next step. He desperately wants to marry me, but I don't. I always had a half ass conversation with him. I told him I don't talk much with any guys for soo long. So many excuses, to the point where I started acting like someone else. And this relationship bought out all the worst characters out of me. Then during one of those 4 months, I met J. He saw struggling to finish an icecream that tasted really bad. I told my friends it was not that bad but truth to be told, I hated it to the core. He saw me stuggling and was like, "If you don't like something. Throw it." That line did something to me.
My parents didn't force me to marry my future partner. But they did pressure me to talk to him because I just didn't like talking to him at all. I felt disgusted. Not like disgusted of that partner but about me. Like I am the most horrible person ever. I just don't know how to put into words. But words really can't explain this horrible feeling. Then the 4th month came, that's when I started to open up a bit, whereas he broke the engagement. Now 7 months later he is married to someone and I am still single.
After that whole drama got over, I took sometime to understand my situation. Part of me thought, maybe I like J too much that I can't seem to imagine myself with anyone else. When I said that to my friends they gave me that shock expression and told me to get some therapy or something.
then 2 months passed after that engagement broke and I did the most lame thing ever. A missed call to J. To which he called back immediately (I am crying here). From there we started talking to each other again. But it was not the same as how it was before those 4 months. But I am happy with it. That's the end of the story.