K

If you would have asked my friends a year ago to describe me, the words “independent”, “boss-girl” and “manhater” would have probably come up pretty quick. I’ve been single by choice for multiple years and people often told me, that I should lower my standards, but why would I? I’m not someone who enjoys making out, going on dates and pretending to like a guy just for the sake of meeting someone so I just don’t do that stuff. I moved out from home when I was 19 and funny enough a lot of not so close friends were afraid I’d never come back to our little hometown because I’d either find the love of my life at the other end of the world, at University or just stay somewhere else for a job.

So believe me everyone (including me) was shocked when I fell for a guy in our hometown, 600km from where I currently live.
I still don’t really know how he did it. I wasn’t interested in meeting anyone and I’m still not. I was at a Christmas market with my family and bumped into one of my best friends who I hadn’t seen in months, so I decided to spend the remainder of the day with him and his friends. Who would have guessed that one of them has been asking him who I was and if he had a chance with me since he saw me the first time at a birthday party half a year ago. We’ll call this guy K. When my best friend called me that evening to ask me if I was interested in K at all and then K texting me not even five minutes after I said “he seems like a nice guy”, I was already confused. I don’t date and my friend knows that pretty well.

But we started texting and I actually enjoyed it. He was funny, smart, open-minded and when I’d say “I hate men” he’d just agree and rant with me. We both knew we didn’t want to do long distance but couldn’t keep away from each other so we went on a few dates and it was great. I’ve always been the person in friend groups that plans, is there for everyone and has everything together, with him I didn’t have to. He made me calm down, feel safe and just enjoy being the one who is taken care of without pressuring me at all.
But everything has to come to an end and after Christmas I had to go back the City to study and we (mainly him) decided no contact would be best because our mental health would decline if we tried to do long distance.

It took him 3 months to text me again and realise we were both miserable without each other so we started texting again. Long nights, laughter and a lot of “we can’t”. It became unhealthy. We barely slept because we were so busy that the only time we had for each other was at night, I cried knowing I still had three years of university left and even though he only had one year left he wouldn’t move here but stay closer to home. We both hated the situation. So we decided to text less, to stay friends and to see what happens if I move back after university.

There’s still two and a half years left and I hate it. Being friends is not enough and we both know it. Not hearing his voice for multiple days kills me and my friends are tired of hearing about him but I have to put myself first. I need to work on myself, get that degree and enjoy my life here. I also can’t wait to be done and move back home (my friends at home wouldn’t believe I’m saying this).
I hate how he made me feel something again, I hate that I let him and I hate those 600km.