Lease of life

“It's complicated" doesn't even seem to grasp it in its entirety. I am the other woman and I have been for the last 3½ years. What started as a simple affair turned into something more over time. We both knew it, we both felt it. But still nothing was to happen between us. You made that quite clear. And I stayed. You continued to send me mixed signals: wanting to hear "I love you", telling me I make you feel alive and using the word love thoughtlessly.

Then after 2½ years, I finally reached a point where I let another person into my life. Only briefly, because when you learned this, you did not want to lose me. You realised that you also loved me and you wanted to pursue a relationship. But you needed time. You and your girlfriend had just signed another lease. I was willing to wait. Little did we know what life had waiting for us.

Your health had been suffering the last few months. After a dreadful wait and lots of doctor appointments, you got a diagnosis: cancer.
We didn't talk about our future, but it was clear, that the wait for "us" would be longer than expected. I struggled, not knowing if I could support you through it. Not because I didn't want to, but because I knew that I could only watch and do nothing. Somehow, we made it work. It was not easy, not at all. There were times where I felt like I reached my limit. But I stayed each time. Well, until now.

The thought of letting us go grows stronger and stronger. I am not quite willing to give us up after all this time. But I don't know how much longer I can hold on.